most likely - forever hold in silence

I had a dream. Dream of becoming a writer. A writer who is remembered for what he wrote , not on how many he wrote. Some one like Harper lee or Thiruvalluvar (if he is real). I used to say that's what my life is all about. If anyone wonder why these sentences are in past, because now I am becoming doubting Thomas. Not a doubting Thomas who put his toil and at the end found "oh, he is not there", and he does not have it. But a doubting Thomas because he never moved his first step in the direction of his dream. Is it what still he wants or is it a distant past of him, which he could not find in him any more. It's OK if the bright fire that was once , not in distant past, has become a cinder, but it looks as if it has become an ash. An ash: which has neither a warmth nor the trace of what it was a while ago.

If anyone reading this (I know there is only one who reads it), wonders why I think so, here is the revelation. Well I never wrote that often while I am in India as I am in US. However I wrote at least once a month, at least few lines to keep it floating. Sometimes there were longer gaps, I came back vowing I'll write more. But now it is close to an year since I last wrote. I used to say may be I am busy with things, new job, new house bla...bla... But now I am in US for a short trip, all alone with the time that gets killed on no purpose. Still I didn't thought of writing something.

It dawned on me, well I couldn't find anything to write about. That is the truth, somehow, somewhere in the life, I lost my urge to tell things, I lost opinions, I am becoming someone who neither has anything to tell nor wanted to tell. Is it because I found that there is no one to read what I say? I guess not. I don't know what triggered, life carried it all by itself, It keeps me spinning . I am becoming a top which tries to not to loose its foot and thrown out when the whip called life keeps you spinning like anything. Or is it just one more excuse?

Anyway I decided to record down whatever for some time I was noting down in my phone. Things which are too small to be find a place as a stand alone post.

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02-08-10:
Once I asked my Kerala friend, why he always carry umbrella? He said it's Kerala, you'll never know when it'll rain. Similarly its Chennai and you never know when you'll get stuck in traffic. Every road has the possibility to get congested. Just like how a clear sky can surprise with a downpour, a smooth flowing traffic can stop. Reason could be someone just parked a lorry and went or simply lot of people choose to travel in that road on that eventful day. Till you reach your house, you can never tell how long you have to be in the road.

03-08-10:
When you have nothing to do , no one to laugh or fight or cry or to talk about weather (for that matter on anything that neither of you care), you start to think. when everything else shuts up, mind starts to run amok. For me, of all things the toughest is, when I hit bed and close my eyes or when I am awake in the night journeys which keeps going as if never end, to not let my thought train start. The trouble is the horizon it dabble, questions it throw. They neither make the days passed as worthy one nor the days to come as green.

14-04-11:
He looked at me. He said, "you want to become the one, you never is". Before I react he went. He is nowhere. Maybe he is the one everywhere and I am just trying to find him somewhere alone and end up finding him nowhere.

09-05-11.
Life is like a train journey. A destination less journey, disguised as the one towards a destiny. The truth is every one's only destination is death. Till then we travel. All of a sudden in a station we are asked to get down and catch another train. Sometimes we make the choice , sometimes other force us. But each time we hop, we think it'll be a better journey in a cosy class. But all we do is keep waiting for the station to do the switch by looking at the station boards and biting our nails on whether we catch the next train.

Instead if we board the train and enjoy the luxury it gives , all looks better for a while , but soon things go down , just like a long distance train toilet. It gets more crowded and we are damned. We can never sit and enjoy the ride. Moment we do, we miss our hopping station- all the vigilant hops we did so far become waste. Popular wisdom is always right about the station one has to hop,class one have to board. But the trouble is one has to keep hopping till death. It never stops. Either one adjust himself to live in the staleness of pond or keep flowing. There is never a neutral in war and a balanced in life.

There is nothing about the people who do the hop all their life. But for others. For those who are like me: So the question is who is smart the one who gives up as he has no energy to hop after several hops or the one who settled with the first stale itself.

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This is good, though just copying what I wrote some time back. I figured some or most I have written stinks. It could have been done far better. But guess what, I love doing it. It is not like one of those movies which you love as kid and now in your thirties , you watch again and wonder, Did I like this shit. Still I guess this is part of my life, My dream,( thought there is a good chance it'll be just my dream).

traffic diaries-2

What all we do is to play. Life and we exchange punch inside a boxing square. For an epoch of time, you go on defense mode, dodging the punch and for some time you try to make some hits. It might get nasty with some hits under belt. As bell goes round after round, it's not that easy to play a disciplined game. All gets fair. One fine day you enter the arena, but don't go for the square. You take a chair and watch the match while sipping a drink. It doesn't matter who plays against whom. You observe it like a passenger in a window side seat. It is called aging gracefully, a life well lived. But not all get this. Some are forced to play at square and for some the beatings they took in match make them to close themselves in their room , shut away from world, in a state of self imposed imprisonment.

traffic diaries-1

17-Feb-10:
Though you hate it,if normalcy is all you can have, why don't you try to have the better normalcy that most will admire you for?

03-May-10:
You got into a tunnel.It's completely dark. You are desperately looking for a light. Some light at the end of the tunnel- a ray of hope towards which you can run. You find one such light and start running towards it. But alas, you find that its not ray of hope but a train coming to hit you. Even if the destiny is that you have to hit by that train, won't it be better, if it had come without light. Why should it deceive you?How cruel it is! But that's what life does sometimes. It lifts you up in the air and let you fly for sometime and shoots you down. Can there be any reason for that other than you deserve some ting more than a normal failure? May be you are HIS favourite bitch whom HE decides to screw for good. Amen.

ARR , OSCAR, Lady Fortuna

Yes, A R Rahman is lucky enough, lady Fortuna really smiled at him, to get two Oscars , on first nomination itself, when several talented people had to settle with just nominations and nominations all their life time. There is no denying of it. But,
it was 1992 he made his first Tamil film music,
it was 2002 when he made his maiden stage productions "Bombay Dreams", in Broadway.

It has been 6 years since he entered global arena, with the backing as most famous music composer from a country of vast differences like India, in a period where global Indians are outnumbering and spreading across all geographies. Still he could manage only handful of global movies in all these years. He gave his best, he tried all these years to put his mark on global map.

Yes , instead of Latin America it happened to be India, to be used to show the dark alleys of developing (or is it third world ?) country. As it happened to be a film happening in India and among the people of Indians, an Indian music director is needed. Above that it happened to be a fairy tale that speaks about hope and the victory of honesty while living in a possible hell (Oliver twist of the current recession driven world). Lady Fortuna made all these to happen to handover the Oscar to A R Rahman(How the titular question and the answer of the film slum dog millionaire aptly fits here: "How did he do it? The ans: Its written"), but it was ARR -his talents and his perseverance, which made himself to stand in a place lady Fortuna smiles.

life and numbers

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.
----from the curious incident of the dog in the night time by Mark Haddon

choose the correct answer

1. Which is worse?
a. Nothing to tell,
b. No one to tell.

2. Which is more vicarious?
a. Living through books,
b. Living through Gtalk

3. What is life?
a. roulette,
b.Russian roulette

4. What is history?
a. You beat someones record.
b. someone beats your record.

5. What is big lie?
a. There is a correct answer
a. There exists truth

It's a lie!!! (nitpick)

I shall thank to my 5 year old niece to open my eye to the lie with which we started our country. I was talking to her over phone. She was starting to school and asked me about my office. I said for me it is night. She could not understand. She was wondering how could be such a bright sun exists and I can say night. That was the moment it dawned me what a lie i have read, re-read hundreds of times , quoted hundreds of times, has been accoladed for reciting out with a vociferousness more than that of the person who said it first time: “when the world sleeps, India will awake to life”. does ever whole world sleeps at same time?

System

There are four coins in the table I have an option to chose one. I chose one on my free will. So were all millions of people before and after me. Based on what every one chose surely there would have been a probability of what I might have chosen. As billions and billions people had chosen the probability would be damn accurate with an negligible error percent. If what I chose could have been predicted without ‘me’ does that not mean I have no free will? Didn’t I choose what I shall have chosen?

No. Because the probability is from the perspective of the system. If the system has predicted I might chose coin A and if I chose coin B then it is only a negligible error for the system for which I am one among the sample space of billions. I am no longer an error, only a noise. The fundamental premise of the system is the common denominator of a huge population, which is called the social behavior. It is not something that existed. It is something that has evolved just because more people decided to choose a coin over the other three. But the system conveniently can forget it and project on collective consciousness as it will make the system more reliable and simple. If a system has to be reliable it has to be simple enough for more people to believe and not simple enough to understand.

Do I change anything in system by choosing otherwise? No I can’t change the system. It’s not even my intention. My intention is my own ends. If my choice is in line with system prediction it embraces it. If not throws out me as noise.

felix qui potuit cognoscere causas

This weekend one of my friends is entering into wedlock. He was my room mate in my final year of college. Any friend's marriage is news to be elated and his marriage has more reasons to cherish. It’s a five years love journey hitting up a milestone a.k.a marriage. Before that they were close friends for four years. It is one of the classic college day’s stories where the love lying low in the waters' of friendship surface up under the sudden revelation of getting separated. Well five years gone by and now they enter into matrimony, I toast for their happy married life.

Love in all forms and colors happening around -who chose not declare the love as it won't culminate as marriage because of socio-family reasons, who declared it and withdrawn either not being able to fight up against those forces, or saying it was a wrong call, who declared and reached a milestone and then decided it is not what they thought and also the one who fit into the last line of the fairy tales we love to hear. It’s really a beautiful thing to see people in love, being in the room or conversing with them. Faces brimming with joy. Oh man… life is so beautiful through their eyes.

Love is too fickle. It takes a great skill and art to make it luminous. Sometimes in this journey love simply passes away as the fume that escapes from the candle. Love is a necessary thing. It’s the elixir; hope and reason. That's why most people fall in love in moments of solitude than while surrounded by clamor. It’s a momentary feel. If one dissects it, it will masquerade. In certain things ignorance is bliss and happy doesn't lie in knowing the things behind... The only way of being in love is madly in love.

I got this in email: Life ends when U stop dreaming, Hope ends when U stop believing, Love ends when U stop caring, Friendship ends when U stop sharing. I ask, "I care for my friends and don't 'u in love' share with your loved ones?”